Idôle EDP by Lancome

Today's blind grab from the goodies from my friend is one that I might have passed by in the store, although I might have been tempted to stop because the juice is such a pretty pink (and sometimes the delicate and lovely and soft grab my attention in spite of myself).

Per Lancome, this is considered a "fresh floral," and the top notes are bergamot (citrus), juicy pear, pink peppercorn; the middle notes are rose and jasmine; and the base notes are white musk, vanilla, patchouli, and cedardwood.

Based on the notes alone, some may put this in a fruity floral camp, and at first application I did get a distinct pear note that immediately dropped down to give place to the rose (and yes this rose is another bright, raspberryish rose) and the white musk. Some other sites said that it has a chypre edge at the base, but I'm not getting that (or the patchouli) at all.

As it dries: I waved it under my husband's nose. Since it was still fresh, he blinked a little bit and said, "That's a little more...sharp than I expected?" Sharp, for him, covers a world of notes, but usually tends to mean it hasn't faded down much so he is reserving judgment. For me, I find it to be veering more toward a "classic" floral, with very clean lines, and the fruit seems to be serving to keep it from going too dry or too floral. It feels like a bright late spring day, one where the sky is brilliantly blue, clouds are fluffy, and the air has a small bite still (hasn't yet decided to go heavy or muggy).

There is something about this that reminds me a little of church camp in the late 80s/early 90s, where hairspray and perfume and chatter, and the absolute essence of femininity, swirled around the dorms as everyone got ready for church. For that alone, I'm loving it a lot. It's happy, and feminine, and has a bit of an edge, but also is soft and contains moments of quiet reflection, too.

The longer it sits on my skin, the patchouli, an extremely soft one, slowly steps forward and reminds me of a shawl that has been carefully packed away (the way they used to be shipped eons ago) in patchouli and roses, so when you lift it out you get the faint whiff of far away places and adventure, while still feeling like you don't have to leave home if home is safe and comfortable. Throughout it all, the rose weaves and dances and rises then drops back down again, keeping this firmly in the floral camp, but also teasing the senses with, "But I'm more than a floral!" And it is!

It's happy. Comforting, but not in a smothering way. It has edges, but is soft. It comes forward, then falls back to rest quietly on my skin. It's charming and bright, and makes me feel much prettier than I woke up feeling, and that alone is probably a big mark in its favor lol. This feels like it will pair well with any kind of day. Blue? Put this on. Happy? Put this on. Ornery? This may encourage you to act on it, but in a way that lightens the heart and makes you giggle for the rest of the year. Melancholy? Put this on, and let it wrap around you and remind you that beauty and life and light still exist. (I think this will also be beautiful on a brisk autumn day, where the nose may be cold and the sky may be gray, but the breeze wafts this around and fills the air with glorious perfume and a reminder of sunshine and hope.) It's a delightful mix of contrasts, and I'm so glad I have it!

Miss Dior EDP by Dior

I know, I know, this blog usually focuses on Indie/niche perfumes. However, a dear lovely someone sent me some perfume samples, and...well, what is one to do but to dive head first into them? (I have to admit, people who send/give/throw perfume at me rank pretty high on my list, by default.) Yesterday, I smelled like a melange of deliciousness (because the box came in yesterday and so I had to dab on as many as I could, of course), and now today I am starting my lovely exploration of them individually.

I had in mind that this would be the one I tried first, by itself. I was amused and tickled when I reached into my "grab bag of awesome" and pulled out the first one I touched, and it ended up being this. I love when a plan comes together.

According to Dior, Miss Dior "celebrates the beauty of a sensual Grasse Rose wrapped in fresh notes and woven with a lively Rosewood." According to Fragrantica, this has "dominant notes of roses, the Damask rose and May rose from Grasse, to be precise. The rest of the composition consists of a fresh opening of lemon, mandarin, pink pepper and a sensual accord in the base that includes rosewood and patchouli." Hmmm, rose/s? Note of death? We'll see how THIS goes.

At first application: I don't really get the rose, but I do get fresh and light, clean, a little powdery (but not talcum powder, more like...ahhh sometimes rose can go a bit powdery). Also, according to Dior, this is a "sensual floral fragrance." Sometimes those haaate me, but so far this is...pretty. Pretty and light and soft and I'm not getting the citrus, but am getting what could be the pink pepper.

As it dries: Ohhhh, there at the bottom is a soft rose note. But a fresh rose. Not heavy. Slightly sweet and raspberryish (like a sweet rose musk) the way some roses can go. Rounding that out is the mandarin (adding more to the sweet notes here, I suspect).

I just left the room for a minute (had a face mask on and had to wash my face) and when I stepped back into the room, ooooooh! That was pretty! There! There's the rose--soft and lovely! And the rosewood! Mmmm! It's definitely not coming up on my skin the way it lingers in the room, but it's so pretty and bright. (I also ran and shoved my arm under my husband's nose while he is working, and his face lit up and he nodded very emphatically, then mouthed, "I like that one a lot!" in the middle of his meeting lol.)

This is, as Dior described, wrapped in fresh notes. For me, that means it lies clean on the skin. Doesn't get heavy or muddied or muddled at all. It floats a bit around me, not quite the way warm laundry on the line can give that clean floaty vibe, but nearing that territory. I don't really get the patchouli that is mentioned, but there is something to the base that could be it (although it merges with the musk, for my nose). To me, perfumes can have moods, and although Dior says this is sensual (and perhaps it is on someone else's skin), this is more happy, bright, friendly, outgoing. (Although, to be fair, this is making me think it would be fun on a date night, so maybe there is something to be said about the sensual aspect.) And it's also really pretty. Delicate. Light. (Should I go dress up now? I feel like that would be appropriate.) If someone walked past me smelling this, it would make me smile and be grateful for allll the lovely smells out in the world.

Santal Basmati EDP by Affinessence Paris

I approached today's sample with caution. I really couldn't bear a repeat of yesterday, and had decided that 1) I would open this vial and sniff first and 2) move along if anything about it reminded me of yesterday's offering.

Thankfully, when I very slowly and very carefully opened this up, oooooohhh! I immediately got a lovely creamy fruity note with a whirl of sandalwood.

The Luckyscent notes for this are: Mysore sandalwood, basmati rice, patchouli, iris, and cashmeran.

At first application, my husband and I both agreed: We liiiike this one!

What was fruity smooths out immediately and is no longer fruity, but is rather the bright edge of a really yum sandalwood. A hint of toasted rice, that is then mixed with warm milk so it becomes creamy and soft, comes through.

As it dries: This sandalwood is gorgeous. I love sandalwood, but too often juuuust when I think it'll behave on my skin, it turns into mosquito repellent and I have sadness and woe. This, instead, when I close my eyes and focus on the fragrance, makes me think of soft soft sandalwood shavings that I can crumble with my fingertips, and that never go splintery or sharp at all. The iris comes in shortly after, and gives this a beautiful edge of a powdery lift. I suspect the cashmeran is what holds this all together in one snuggly, warm, cozy hug.

Another perfect autumn/winter fragrance, and yet there is something light enough about it that when I stepped outside for a moment (into heat and humidity that coats like a second skin), this sparkled. Absolutely sparkled. It's light, airy, delicious, and comes across as something decadent but also...a bit serene, calm, soothing. It's light, but steady. Soft, but knows how to stand firm. Warm, yet cool.

I don't ever really get anything that yells patchouli at me (although I do think it hangs around in that fruit note, and gives some heft to the woody notes of the sandalwood). The way this blends and merges is a beautiful balance together and also on my skin.

I think, maybe, just perhaps, I may have found the sandalwood I have been looking for for years. Am in love. 

New York Intense EDP, by Parfums de Nicolai

Today's blind grab is one that I've been curious about for a little while. This, supposedly, leans more masculine than the unisex ones I tend to gravitate toward, so I figured this might be worth exploring.

I have regrets.

The Luckyscent notes for this one are: bergamot, Sicilian lemon, cloves, thyme, cinnamon, black pepper, pimento, oak moss, vetiver, amber.

On paper, this had potential. I like a good oak moss, and a decent vetiver can make things smokey and delicious and warm and a bit astringent to give a bite.

At first application: Ohhhh no. I have made a very bad decision today. At first, I thought it was just me, but when I put it on my husband, he gave me a wrinkled nose and a very sad look like, "What?!?! I thought you looooved me?!?!"

But I had hope! Sometimes when things go on so...strikingly, sometimes they snuggle down and get cozy and warm (especially when amber is mentioned) and...

Nope.

The oak moss is really dominant, like HI I'M OAK MOSS, and normally I like a good oak moss, but when it's making me want to run away from myself...ehhhh not so much. And, I hate to say it, but this one is so...itself that it's making me feel nauseated as I sit here (I don't even have to wave my arms to get a waft...it just oooozes up from my skin).

This comes across on my skin as a men's fragrance from the 80s, which isn't terrible if one is in 1984, just snorted a pile of blow, and is sporting a nice wide-collared polyester shirt, a pinkie ring, big gold chains around the neck, while huffing a cigar and possibly contemplating taking out the head of the other crime family that runs the town. But...today? Ehhh. However, that image really does say New York Intense, and I'm absolutely feeling that vibe. Boy, am I ever.

This one reminds me of the saying: No matter where you go, there you are. I can't get away from myself fast enough.

To be fair (and this is one reason I am still posting a review, instead of slinking away into silence), it does feel like it could be amaaaaazing on someone else's skin, but it is not MY skin. So, if these notes sound worth a try, do try it. At the very least, you'll have an experience, and sometimes that's worth the cost of a sample vial.

Paris LA EDP by A Lab on Fire

Today, I decided that I need to lean on the lighter side of things, so very deliberately pulled from "my" pile of fragrances I've been wanting to try. I discarded a couple of florals (I am NOT feeling floral today, no way, no how) so it really wasn't exactly a blind grab, but after the last tuberose went by, I said, "Okay, whatever hits next is it." I admit that I was pretty relieved when I saw this in my hand.

According to Luckyscent, the notes for this one are: key lime, ginger, cola accord, neroli petals, coriander seeds, thyme, macaron accord, amber, and musk.

I had some...trepidation about that coriander. Sometimes coriander goes directly to sweaty underarm funk. Sometimes, it's more polite and holds the base and "dirties" up whatever I'm wearing juuuuust enough to make it a tad flirty. Sometimes, it acts like it will behave and then goes to skunk. So.

At first application, this is ooooh yum. Lickable, tasty vanilla, with a touch of that cola, and macaron (without any hint of coconut, and I'm glad for that). It immediately passed the sniff appreciation test for both me and my husband. (He said, "Oooh! I like this one!")

As it dries down, some of the key lime lifts up from somewhere underneath and gives the cola a bit of fizz. The thyme stays low, waaaay low, but it keeps the sugar from going too overboard. And the coriander? Well, now, I think that has decided to play nice after all. It's coming across as a bit of a woody note (probably with help from the thyme), and dances on a slightly herbal edge while fluttering some eyelashes and promising long slow walks on the beach.

On my husband, the wood lifts up even more than on my skin, and the vanilla takes on a slightly masculine purr. On me, the ginger seems to weave in and out, but never comes across as ginger, but more so something that helps out that cola note to keep from going flat. I don't really get the neroli petals, unless it's helping along the slightly creamy vibe I'm getting.

As it dries further, the coriander does go a tad more dirty, but it continues to behave just enough to help hold the sweetness of this one in check. I do feel somewhat like a confection, and it's tempting me to go find a sun dress, a big hat, and pretend I have nothing better to do than sit around being delectable. Since that would only last for about two minutes before I get bored, I've decided that this is a perfectly fun, bright fragrance with a lot of interest and notes, and that relies on the vanilla/macaron to keep it from being anywhere close to staid. It's bright, sweet, and pretty, and seems like it would wear well any time of the year. (And it's rather delicious on both men and women.)

No. 7 Le Sel de la Terre EDP by Thomas Kosmala

I looked at the random pile of fragrances still strewn across my desk, reached in and grabbed. Today's fragrance comes from a perfumer I'd never heard of (sorry), but I'd added to the list because my husband says he likes fresh and "marine" type notes.

The Luckyscent list of notes for this one: bergamot, Italian lemon, fresh marine notes, aqua, fresh floral, fresh wood, musk. In their description, they said that it was like a "white shirt freshly pulled from the dryer..." with a "salty undertone...enough to suggest the mineral tang of the beach."

At first sniff in the vial: Ohh, I think I may like that.

Application on my skin and his? Ummm, nope. And as it began to dry? Nopenopenopetynope.

My first take: "It smells soapy." When I looked at my husband, he was very gingerly holding his arms out like he was an airplane, and making faces. "I think I'm going to let this one sit for a little bit," he said.

As it continued to dry, y'all I don't know what it is in this one, but it made my stomach churn. The ingredient list indicates fresh or freshness, and perhaps for someone with less cynicism and sarcasm that may be the case, but I suspect I am a weeeee bit toooo something for this to ever lean fresh on me. Unless fresh means, "Go wash your mouth out with soap, young lady!" I could see that.

We both have let it sit for a while (managed to not scrub it off), and there were some things my husband said he was somewhat liking about it, but when you have to make yourself sit still so you don't get any of the waft, that's not necessarily the sign of a win.

There were a lot of things about this one that had potential, but the...execution died completely and without mercy on my skin. I don't get a lift from the citrus, I get a sliiiiight hint of the bergamot (like the back end of a nice cup of Earl Grey), and the fresh woods and florals are...I dunno. I'm suspecting that when they said "fresh marine" they may have been looking at someone after a hard day of military training, but that's as close as I'm going to give it.

Sadness. Woe. Definitely going in the "Do I give this or toss it," pile.

Voix Humaine 8 EDP, by Filippo Sorcinelli - SAUF

Summer has hit here, and the humidity levels are of the sort that bring sinus headaches and thoughts of running away to Alaska in winter. Which means it can be difficult to get back into trying samples. However, despite the humidity, curiosity said, "Why aren't we playing with those lovely lovely vials," and so I blind-grabbed another.

The Luckyscent notes for this one are: bergamot, cardamom, elemi, ambrette, jasmine, orange blossom, amber, leather, olibanum, milk mousse, musk, and vanilla.

At first application, my husband said, "Wow, the vanilla is pretty dominant. It smells like opening vanilla," and he waved vaguely at the kitchen. We both agreed that it was definitely not a sweeter more sugary vanilla, but that deep woody and warm vanilla that comes from vanilla pods.

Within minutes, we both are finding it fascinating that sometimes what seems to disappear on his skin (or drop down really quickly) will hold on me, and what disappears on me seems to hold better on him. This is one that immediately went all snuggly skin scent on him, whereas on me, the vanilla leaned over to the cardamom and leather and said, "Let's play."

Along with the frolicking leather/vanilla, a faint under note of something that sometimes comes across as fresh pine, or a deep resin (which I suspect is the olibanum, since olibanum is basically frankincense, and frankincense can range from church incense to pine to other resins) helps to round out and flirt with the vanilla beautifully (while the bergamot flirts from the other side).

We both liked how it seems to shift around a bit initially. This did not in any way get the "Oh gross, urinal puck," face from him (as a couple of the ones that had orange blossom in them did). For me, it's leaning slightly toward the "wood pudding" fragrances that I simply cannot get enough of, but this has a lighter touch, and the musk has a slightly messy hair, sultry vibe to round out the edges and make this a little less snuggly and a little more leather corset.

I suspect the jasmine and the leather are partly giving that sliiiiightly animalic growl, but mmmm they play so well with the rest of the other notes, and the ambrette is adding a "clean skin" lift so it doesn't come across as heavy as some of the notes indicate it could.

This is...delicious. I actually think I could wear this out in the humidity and heat without it feeling stifling, but it will also be delightful on chilly days, and in the long dark days of winter. This fragrance feels like...light and home or like looking across at someone you love while an autumn sky fades from silvery lavender to navy, and a freshly baked vanilla something or other wafts itself around you, and waaaay off in the distance you get the scent of hewn logs. This is love and home, and...sigh...I may actually have to get a bottle.

Shihan EDP by Piotr Czarnecki

Today's grab was simply due to the color of the vial. The juice in this is a pretty soft rose pink color, and that was good enough for me. (Note: this is not the she version, but I suspect that also would have a pretty color.)

The Luckyscent notes for this are: whiskey, coffee, tobacco, pepper, cinnamon, incense, myrrh, spicy accord, ambrette, labdanum, benzoin, amber, musk.

In the vial, this has already intrigued me. It hits with the spices, the musk, a touch of amber, and a sly slide of whiskey.

On the skin: Oooooh! Um. I know it won't taste like it smells, but I really want to lick my arm right now. I adore, adore, adore a sexy but assertive fragrance that hints at being soft. One that says, "I've got some edges and mystery, but know how to cuddle." The cinnamon in this is smooth, really smooth, not hot or fiery or painful. I think it's the benzoin that is rounding this out, giving body, and smoothing the edges (benzoin is often used as a lighter amber note, to round things out or cream them up, and according to one website, benzoin has a sweet vanilla balsam woody vibe with a touch of resin). This has a hint of kick, a touch of spices and incense (making it feel slightly exotic without making me think I've come face to face with a tiger), and on the faaaaint back end of it all has a touch of what I call banana wood pulp. Slightly fruity, while standing in a hardwood forest.

As it dries, the myrrh comes forward a bit, which seems to add more layers and complexity at a time when many fragrances are beginning to thin out and tone down. The problem with that? Myrrh often comes across on me as halitosis breath. Here's this beautiful, rich, complex, rounded fragrance, and then waaaay underneath? Halitosis.

*sadness
*woe

Overall, I really do like this one. It has a lot of qualities I enjoy. It's rich and snuggly, but...if you get too close you may want to ask it to use some mouthwash.

Heartless Helen by Penhaligons

Today, I deliberately reached into the pile I'd made for me. This is a pile of perfumes that I stretched myself to get, as most are very feminine and I tend to lean unisex, but it appears that the husband does like me to smell like a lady now and then so I decided to give these a try.

Besides, I thought it would be fun to watch how he would respond to smelling like a flower. So.

According to Luckyscent, the notes for this are: mandarin orange, tuberose, creamy woods

This goes on with a mighty dose of "HI! I'm TUBEROSE!" but in the creamy way that tuberose can make you question what you are smelling. Is it sweet? Is it creamy? Is it a gardenia? A urinal puck? Something else?

As it dries, the tuberose softens some, allowing the creamy woods to come forward (although it's, to me, less woods and more creamy/white floral mixed with something that may at moments come across like rosewood). Every now and then, there's a faint citrusy vibe that I am going to say is the mandarin orange (but that's a really optimistic claim from what I'm smelling on my skin).

When I sniffed it on my husband, there is more of a soft sandalwood-esque essence that comes through, and I do like how his skin picks up more of the wood note, but overall this is pretty mild in the wood department, and very very tuberose (without the rubber tire, intense blast that I tend to appreciate, and much more soft and reminiscent of gardenia).

It's pretty. I would never be able to get away with it on a muggy summer day here in the south though. It sits on my skin and humidity would turn it into a smothering blanket of nope. However, I can see this being a bright pick-me-up in the dark dull days of winter, where you need something cheerful, comforting, and, dare I say, pretty.

Eau Duelle by Diptyque

I blind grabbed this morning, and have to admit that I was pretty happy when Eau Duelle was the pick. This is one I've loved for years, but I wanted to get another sample because I was (finally) feeling almost ready to buy a bottle, and I wanted to be sure (after having used up several other samples a while ago lol).

This time, though, the husband is on the journey with me, and I am very curious about his take.

According to Luckyscent, these are the notes (for the EDP version): pink peppercorn, juniper berry, cardamom, cypress, frankincense, calamus, Black ceylan tea, cistus, Bourbon vanilla, vanilla pod, vetyver, cypriol, ambroxin.

At first application, he sniffed, smiled, and said, "Oh! I like that!" Immediate pop of wood shavings, a touch of bite, and vanilla. He sniffed a little longer and said, "This reminds me a little of one of those lotions you used to wear when we were dating." Ah, yes, Victoria's Secret vanilla lotion. Every time I walked into a room after putting it on, I'd hear, "I smell chocolate chip cookies!" This does have that vanilla, baked goods undercurrent (especially on me).

As it dries, on him it seems to hold the wood shavings better then it does on me, although he keeps saying it smells like the lotion, and is picking up a lot of vanilla. On me, it goes all snuggly wood-puddingesque, and whispers sweet nothings in my ear while we take long walks on the beach. This really was my first "wood pudding" vibe love, and although it does remind me of Lune Feline (or vice versa) this one has a softer touch with the musk, a little more on the wood, and will always make my heart sigh and melt.

To me, this is the perfect autumn day fragrance. Dark low skies, cold temps, leaves falling from trees, and this on a scarf or wafting around you? Perfection.

On this gray, rainy, tropical storm incoming kind of day, I'm glad that this is what I picked out. It's a perfect reminder to find the joy, the light and bright and sparkly things that make our hearts happy, in life.

Escentric 02 by Escentric Molecules

I grabbed this one today because it was the biggest of the sample vials (and has a spray top). I've been wanting to try this one for a while, so was happy to go directly to it.

The Luckyscent notes for this are: Ambroxan, vetiver, muscone, orris, elderflower.

At first spray, it is bright and happy. But, when it lands on the skin it became a long sniff and then a, "Hmm I think this smells like a grandmother," from my husband lol. He is giving it the benefit of the doubt and promised to let it sit before he judges it much further.

On me, I get the ambroxan weaving among the vetiver and orris. The vetiver gives it a little bit of an edge (vetiver can go a bit astringent like on me, depending on how it is used), and I keep getting something that smells like a citrus note (which may also be the vetiver, but now I'm going to look up elderflower to see if could be contributing to that feel.

Interesting: Elderflower can range from floral-herbal to light and clean to even a bit balsamic, so I'm wondering if that is also contributing a bit to the astringent edge.

As it dries, it feels sheer, weightless. A light easy-to-wear fragrance, that almost feels a bit like being at a perfume counter where there's a bunch of smells vying for each other but somehow they all come together as you walk by.

Surprisingly, my husband just walked back to where I was and declared, "I like this. A lot!" For him, he gets a tiny bit of Irish Spring soap on one arm, but over all it gives him a slightly marine/sunny day feel.

That is a perfect description for this: If you need a recipe for happiness, this just might be it. It's hard to feel crabby or cranky when this light and bright fragrance is weaving around in the room, flirting on the skin, and sending smiles where it goes. I appreciate how sheer and weightless, how clean and bright, it comes across, while still having presence and staying power. Delightful!

Bois d'Hiver by Ex Nihilo

This was another, "Let me reach into the pile and grab what hits my hand first." The notes from Luckyscent are: "Pink pepper, cardamom, heliotrope, cyclamen, white cedar, sandalwood, patchouli, cypriol, musk."

At first application, both of us went, "Ooooh! I like that!" It comes across as clean, masculine, bracing. Almost like a really high-end after shave that hits the skin with a cold edge. It begins to soften immediately though. Within minutes, on him it had leaned into a softer clean linen vibe, with marine undertones. On me, it still held a more astringent edge, but not at all unpleasant.

Story time: as we were sniffing this, I told him that when I was younger (and, maybe, perhaps ummmm even now) when I was at a mall or a conference, if I smelled a particularly wonderful fragrance on someone, I would follow that person or go stand by them for a little while just so I could enjoy. This reminded me of those moments, and I said, "If you walked by me with this on, I'd follow you." This is a great mix of soft on the skin, snuggling pretty close, but still gives enough waft that it gently intrigues and makes me want to get closer.

When I close my eyes and try to picture this as an object, I get a tailored white button down shirt, but the sleeves are rolled up and the top buttons are undone. It has structure, but give. It's a little unapproachable while also being warm and personable. I am enjoying the edges and contrasts.

As it dries further, the patchouli keeps a solid and steady base, but doesn't scream head-shop incense at all. It's simply quietly sitting there in the corner crooning softly at my skin. I think it's the heliotrope that rounds out the edges on this, softening it up a hair, but the other notes are balanced so well that the whole really blends beautifully (no major note stands out or shrieks for attention). I wish I could describe this one better: it's a little powdery, a little soft, but still has a nice bracing edge, and really wears well on both my skin and his. A total win for both of us, surprisingly so. Straight to the top of the list with this one!

Slowdive by Hiram Green

Today's fragrance experience was based on grabbing a sample vial based on color alone. This one looks pretty in the vial, a deep ambery color that looks like it should smell amazing.

The fragrance notes for Slowdive from Luckyscent are: neroli, orange flower, tobacco blossom, tuberose, honey, dried fruit, resin.

When I opened the vial, the honey and dried fruit tried to dominate the orange flower, and I thought it could be an interesting combination.

At first application on both his and my skin: Oh, no, this smells like a urinal cake. We both looked at each other and decided that we wouldn't scrub it off, since it does have some potential, but this next half hour may be a little rough on both of us. To be fair, the orange blossom does come forward more, but the dried fruit and honey edge is almost too sweet. There is nothing light or lilting about this at all, and it comes across as something being used to mask other smells.

The longer it sits, it does smooth out, become a bit more mellow. The tobacco flower is coming more forward on me, while the honey is going a bit powdery on him. We both wrinkled our noses and went, "Ehhh."

It does fade down, but the honey becomes even more powdery on me (it seems like it hit a certain point on his skin and decided to hole), the orange blossom fades quite a bit, and the resins lightly slide under it all.

Over all, not a win. For either of us. But I suspect with the right body chemistry, this could be really good. It's just not ours.

Lune Feline by Atelier des Ors

What better way to spend some time in a pandemic than to convince the husband that he absolutely needs to try some fragrances with me. This is the man who, for most of our marriage, never even drank coffee, but last year decided to do so and discovered that he liked it. I figured I had some decent odds here, so happily went to Luckyscent, wandered through different scent profiles, and came up with a bag of fragrances to try. After impatiently waiting for the goodies to arrive, I set aside time for some sniffs and sorted the fragrances into "our" pile, "his" pile, and "my" pile. He won't know day by day if what he's trying is unisex, masculine, or feminine. And I think we both are looking forward to this journey. (Well, at least I am lol.)

Immediately, Lune Feline by Atelier des Ors made it near the top of the sniff test pile. Today, at the start of this experiment, I decided it would be a good starting point since it's listed as Unisex.

The notes for Lune Feline are: cinnamon, cardamom, pink pepper, green notes, cedar, ambergris, woods, styrax, vanilla, peru balsam, and musk.

I have been looking for a while for the perfect "wood pudding-esque" vibe. Something warm, woody, cozy. That makes me feel all snuggly. This delivers, perfectly, on a moody and cold and rainy day. (I suspect that this would be a bit too heavy for southern summer days, but will be an utter delight in autumn.)

At first application, I could smell the cinnamon, but it faded down pretty quickly. On him, the balsam and some of the cedar stays a bit more forward. On me, the ambergris and vanilla cuddle up together and get sexy. In his words: "This isn't masculine, but I REALLY like it." In my words, "Mmmm."

As it dries down, it holds very well. It reminds me a bit of Diptyque's Eau Duelle, but this has a more caramel edge, and frankly the woods seem to hold up a bit more on his skin as well as mine, although my skin still seems to enjoy hanging on to the vanilla a bit more, also.

Four hours in, and it has faded a lot on him, with faint notes of cedar, a touch of vanilla-y caramel, and the balsam whisping about. My skin seems to be following his trajectory, but may be feeling a bit more defiant in letting it go.

Overall, this is a win for both of us. Perhaps a bit too gourmand for some men, and he did admit that it wouldn't be his first choice, but also agreed that he really liked the smell of it and had no objection to smelling like a caramel wood pudding. For me, as someone who loves gourmands, and how vanilla can play around and soften stronger notes like cedar or woods, this is a perfect treat. I can't wait (already) for autumn to get here. I suspect I will be reaching for it again.

DSH Perfume and American Perfumer, Colorado

Perfume lovers out there, you don't want to miss this special edition (although I know saying that means I may not have any more to purchase down the road). I saw #DSHperfumes mention it last week, and because I have friends who love me and know my birthday is coming up, mine is now in my hot little hands. It is brilliant. The bergamot and lemon carry through for me the whole way, and gives it such a happy lift, but it snuggles down to the most amazing fir/pine maple cozy wood fragrance. On me, there is a faint tinge of smoke, but the fir and balsam wrap around it with the citrus and give it such a soft glow. Under it all rides a beautiful maple-y lusciousness that just...well, it's beautiful. I had to go to several appointments today, and when I wasn't having to talk (and when no one was in the room) I happily sat and huffed my sleeve. If I tried to explain it, my words would fall flat. It mixes everything I enjoy: wood, chypre, gourmand, citrus but merges it all in such a way that I can only come up with one word: joy. I am so in love with Colorado (see here: Colorado )

Solo Piano by Robin Spielberg and Hidden Lodge by Solstice Scents

I am often losing things. (I have even lost my keys while holding them in my hand.) So it's no surprise that when I closed my eyes and spun my Spotify list this morning, landed on something, then hit play, what came out of my speakers was something I realized I was finding after thinking it had been lost.

Today's music comes from Robin Spielberg, and per Wikipedia is, "is an American pianist, composer and author." According to her website, she is "heart and soul of interpretive solo piano."

My mother has been a pianist for years. At one point in my childhood, our church needed a place to store their baby grand piano, and it was moved into our living room. There was enough room for a walkway from the front door to the kitchen, but if you wanted to sit anywhere in the room, you had to crawl under the piano and sit on the floor.

There were times my mother would practice for services or special events, and would often pull in classical pieces from memory to warm up with. Piano music has always been part of my life, and maybe it's because of my childhood, but I can listen to a lone piano for hours.

When I was in college, I discovered several "modern" pianists and played their music in my dorm room after my mother went overseas for missions. It kept her close, but also helped me navigate through my fears of her never coming back. That music was a lifeline to me.

Piano music is something that both soothes me and makes my heart ache. It can immediately throw me back to times where I crawled under that baby grand piano and listened to my mother warming up. Piano can be haunting. Fierce. Dreamy. Suspenseful. Soothing. Sometimes, I would stand up and watch the little hammers strike the strings, watch her feet move on the peddles to evoke different sounds, watch her fingers press the keys. The whole of it fascinated me. How can something that looks so simple create so many moods and emotions? I am feeling the same way today as I listen to Robin Spielberg's compositions.

Today, when the piano began to play, all of the feelings I remember having while lying under that baby grand came back to me. Those sessions while my mother played were some of the few times I saw her truly happy (even when she was frustrated at mistakes she said she was making). I felt at home, wondering, hopeful, longing. I remember often feeling like listening to my mother was like watching falling stars: it was a wonderful experience that I knew would end, and I kept wishing it wouldn't. My childhood was often chaotic, and I mostly remember feeling that chaos. But, today, while I listened to the first songs play out, I connected back to some of the times that I felt safe and happy. I didn't even realize how much of that I'd lost, until today.

I don't remember adding today's artist to my Spotify list, and I don't recognize any of the songs I'm hearing. I'm being reminded again that I don't have to recognize a song in order to connect with it, and I'm so glad this was an artist I had added to explore. I had created a Peaceful list on Spotify, for those days when I really need to shut everything away for a while, and I'm finding that instead of picking through and adding a song here or there, I'll be adding Robin Spielberg's albums to that list, then removing songs that don't quite appeal to me (if I find any).

This is a perfect backdrop for testing a perfume, and I'm thankful to have it.

Today's perfume is Hidden Lodge by Solstice Scents. Solstice Scents used to only do perfume oils (and some other products like whipped soaps--which are wonderful), but a few years ago Angela St. John (the perfumer) decided to branch out into alcohol based perfumes. I have stuck with the oils (although I would dearly, oh so dearly, love to get my hands on her House Vanilla perfume) so this review will be for the oil version. Since I haven't tried the alcohol versions of her perfumes, I'm not sure how much they differ.

Again, I'll be giving my impressions, then post the official notes.

I only have a sample vial of this one, so I can't get as much out of it as I would from a bottle, but in the vial and on the wand, I get the feeling of windswept desert, something a bit herbal and green underneath, and the sense of dry underbrush and wood that has been lying in the sun for years. I grabbed this sample because I like the idea of hidden places where we can wander off, explore, find serenity. I am also finding it amusing that the music for today seems to pair so well with the concept of a Hidden Lodge. I often felt like I was in my own hidden world when I would crawl under the piano, so this fits perfectly. I also am getting a note in the perfume that reminds me of peanuts, which means there may be some form of sandalwood or oud in here.

On my skin, oh this is lovely. There is a part of this that reminds me of one of my favorites from Solstice Scents called Witch's Cottage. That one has soft herbs, sweetness without being sugary, and always makes me feel grounded and hopeful at the same time. This reminds me a little of that in the herbal edge, but this seems to have more woods added to it. I'm still getting a faint peanut note, which is opening up some more which makes me lean toward a soft sandalwood (although I suspect oud may also be playing a role). On my right arm, I'm getting a smoky note that isn't apparent on my left arm. It's a beautiful silvered campfire wood smoke that again reminds me of a desert, but one at night with the stars brilliant overhead, and the faint call of wild things beyond the light from the fire.

As it dries, the sweet herbal note remains dominant on my left arm, but definitely grounded and centered by a very dry wood. What I suspect is oud is wrapping through it all, mixing it all together very beautifully. This comes across as a dry perfume, but still has edges of sweetness. This would be amazing on both men and women. On my right arm, the smokiness merges with the dry wood, making it more dry wood than smoke, but still retaining that elusive smokey quality. This is dry, but soft, not hard or wrung out as some perfumes can be.

Dry, this has become a warm and soft wood with a faint sweet herbal edge with a lick of smoke. My right arm continues to hold a much more dry and smoked edge, but the whole feels like I've somehow found a way to compress an old wooden building with boards bleached by sun, surrounded by soft herbs and dark dessert with the memories of fire, into a perfume.

It is beautiful.

According to the website, "Hidden Lodge is a dry woody blend with traces of spice and smoke and delicate animalic undertones. The dry wood portion of this fragrance is comprised of a number of fragrance and essential oils. Sandalwood, copal bark, cedar and amber combine with additional wood aromas to produce a diffusive, warm, dry foundation for this scent. The addition of the woodsmoke with very conservatively applied nutmeg and clove enhances the incensey slightly sweet woods. A touch of a botanical castoreum blend conveys a very subtle and enjoyable animalic hint to the blend. Natural oud adds a rich and intoxicating body to the total composition. Hidden Lodge smells very incensey, warm, woodsy, smoky, slightly spicy and even has a bit of well-worn leather on the skin. The spices are more detectable after initial application and fade quickly to a subtle supporting role. On initial application, there is a sweet note similar to brown sugar along with a peppery zip. These nuances are an added dimension from the combination of wood and spice notes. Some of the woods in Hidden Lodge have a natural sweetness similar to that of caramel. Though this sweet characteristic is detectable, it is subtle and Hidden Lodge is not a sweet blend. Natural sandalwood and oud were used generously in this fragrance. Unisex leaning masculine." The notes are "Dry Wood Blend, Oud, Woodsmoke, Spices, Castoreum (Botanical Interpretation) 

Aha! I don't get much of the animalic, but I am tickled to see that this is very along the lines of what I got from it on my skin. Angela really is a master at setting a mood with her perfume, and this one is just perfect for me today, especially paired with the music pick. I find myself balancing between feeling peaceful and thankful for finding moments of happy memories. All by determining to discover something new.

Flamenco and Perfume? Yes, please.

(Otherwise known as The "Meaning To" Beginning, With Gipsy Kings and The Arabian Dance)

For several years, I have had an idea of diving into music. I know what I tend to gravitate to, but I have been on a journey of asking myself, "Is this who I am, and how do I know that," in many areas of my life. Music somehow remained static. I liked what I liked, and didn't stray much from that. But, as I continued to question myself regarding what I was "sure" I liked and wanted to add to my life, music began to take on a focus.

Music, like perfume, is often considered a personal taste. Also, like perfume, there will be those who think your personal taste is terrible (and should not be aired to the public, lest ye offend). With both, some will be interested in more than what is traditionally offered. Like perfume, there are music brands and types sold for mass consumption. Then, there are the steadily growing niche perfumers and bands that have developed loyal followings because they offer something else/more, something that isn't being acknowledged by the mass consumption gods.

Music, like perfume, even though developed by others, is considered an intimate form of self expression.

I have taken several years to explore perfume (although I admit that even there, I have tended to find one thing, obsess over it for a little while, then stall out before moving on). In doing so, I have discovered more of myself--things I thought I didn't like but ended up loving, new words to describe my tastes and interests, ways I tend to self-care (and ways I can improve), the way I approach something I'm not sure about (and how I can work on expanding my experiences).

I have often not understood not wanting to learn, whether it's more about self, about others, about the world we live in. I see people going about their day-to-day, sometimes candidly expressing that they don't want to explore anything else. They want the routine, the predictable. While, I do understand how comforting sameness can be, I also crave discovery and truths that may lurk beyond what we think we know and experience. I've been told by several people (in varying tones and degrees, and sometimes meant as an insult, sometimes as a compliment) that "You are a very different type of person, Maya. Not everyone is as __________ (bold/willing to explore/critical of self/whatever the thing is at the time) as you are."

When I've heard that, I have allowed it to set me back. Should I be as curious about the world, about people, about what makes us all tick? Why is this insatiable desire to know inside of me?

One thing I seem to have to keep learning is that whether I am the same as everyone else or different, it's not going to change who likes me, loves me, hates me and even more importantly whether I like or hate myself. So why not test a horizon or two?

Which brings me back to exploration. I have, through the past two years (and especially so last year), been adding to my "Someday I want to explore that" list in music. I've asked people what they listen to, and have added those artists and songs.

While I've been doing this, I have also been adding to my perfume lists as well as looking at the boxes of perfumes I have set aside to fully test, explore, make decisions about.

For over a year, I've been meaning to get to both the music and the perfume with the idea of combining them. Test a perfume. Test a new artist. I have held back because sometimes I scare myself by how much I want to do something (and I also realize the big risk of exploring an artist, not liking them, and having someone tell me how stupid they think I am).

But the idea has persisted. Persists. Probably will continue to do so.

So, today, I basically closed my eyes, spun the list on Spotify, and picked a group at random that I added I don't even know how long ago, and pressed play. I also closed my eyes, reached into my box of perfume and grabbed.

I didn't realize that just doing those things would make my hands sweat a little bit.

I probably won't give as in depth a review on the music that I pick as I do this (although who knows how it will evolve), but I do look forward to seeing what I connect with and what I decide to add permanently.

On to the reviews!

Gipsy Kings

The group Spotify landed on today was the Gipsy Kings. Per Wikipedia, "The Gipsy Kings are a group of flamenco, salsa and pop musicians from Arles and Montpellier in the south of France, who perform in Andalusian Spanish." Their website was fun to wander through and read. They hail from an area very close to where most of the well known perfumes in the world have been developed and come from (as we know them today). Both this music and perfume have history behind them--weighty, bold, and beautiful.

I also have liked flamenco music through the years, but have never really taken the time to focus on it. The Gipsy Kings grabbed me immediately, and I found myself adding more of their songs to one of my permanent lists. I find it almost impossible to be cranky while listening to flamenco music, and the Gipsy Kings kept making me happy from track to track.

However, reading their story also reminded me of a different history when it comes to gypsy culture, and how gypsies have been treated through the years. I found myself wondering what joy, what cultural impact, what influence would have been lost if the people who had wanted to rid the earth of gypsies and their culture had succeeded.

Today, I am grateful for a chance to listen to masterful guitar work and powerful vocals. I will be keeping this group's music around and look forward to more days spent with the Gipsy Kings.

Today's perfume grab was The Arabian Dance, and I admit to chuckling over how life can sometimes pair things. I'm listening to music that makes me want to dance, and it is paired with a perfume with dance in its name. I probably would have had to hunt for hours to find that pairing, and yet closing my eyes and picking made it happen. It tickles me.

Today, for the fun of it, I'm going to go through the review first before I find the scent description and notes from the perfumers website.

The Arabian Dance

In the bottle, I get a bunch of things that smoosh up together. I start to pick them out and at first get the sense of a dark and woody chocolate or coffee. It's dark and just shy of bitter. But, immediately dancing around that and lifting the whole is a sweet fruity note that feels like it's tangling with raw silk. It's compelling in the play of light and dark.

On my skin, my left arm immediately gets a beautifully spiced note (like an amazing spice cake, loaded with cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove), threaded with a touch of coffee. I also get the sense of sugar. On my right arm, I get more of the sweet fruit that turns very perfumey. The raw silk edge lifts, then drops down to become part of the perfume base.

As it dries, the spice on my left arm is beautiful. The coffee note drops into a deeper and softer chocolate vibe without smelling like chocolate, and continues to play along a line that dashes between light and dark, without ever becoming heavy. It is (on my left arm) completely what I would like my cozy days to smell like in wintertime: charming, uplifting, slightly spiced, warm. On my right arm, that coffee note begins to rise a bit and brings up the raw silk aspect. It also comes across as very perfumed with a sweet edge. It also has a note in it that reminds me a little bit of Phyllotaxis also from Possets, which had a black musk and coffee note blended with chai and lavender notes. My right arm has a slightly plastic edge among the notes, but it is not dominant and only noticeable when I put my nose on my skin and sniff. I suspect there is clove in this one, as clove can sometimes go to a weird plastic on my skin (but only up close, not in the throw). The waft around me is glorious: warm spices, a distinct snugglycuddleness, and yet lifting into a really beautiful perfume with soft and sweet edges, without being too sugary sweet.

Fully dry, the perfume softens a lot, but stays warm and cozy spices, a faint hint of coffee base, and keeps that lovely perfume edge with a soft sweetness. This is perfect for me right now in our winter months. (I suspect it would be too much in our heat and humidity.) I will be putting this in my autumn-spring rotation pile.
The Arabian Dance is a permanent at Possets, so if you think you may like to try it, it would be available as a sample. The notes for it are: Clove, coffee, a drop of mild oude, and very light smoke. Very spice sensuous and lovely like a sunny afternoon in a coffee shop in Dubai in January. A glorious simple pleasure. 

The mention of smoke surprised me a little, but I suspect that is the raw silk edge I was getting. Overall, I'm a bit pleased that I picked out the clove (or spices) and coffee. For people who may be afraid of smoke fragrances, this seems like it would be a good one to try. I have other perfumes that literally have a smoke-from-a-bonfire smell. This is a much lighter, more "clean" smoke, and soft. It is a beautiful perfume and deserves to be out more. I'm thrilled to have rediscovered it.

Both the music and the perfume are perfect for today, and both are keepers (although I know some will not be). I look forward to seeing what else is out there just waiting for me to discover them.

Possets Winter Retour, Virtues

After Fabienne at Possets died, there was a part of me that wondered if I would be doing much testing of Possets perfumes in the future. However, the company was purchased and the new owners have done a great job of running seasonal retours this year, to allow customers a chance to grab items they were afraid would be lost forever. I was not able to take advantage of previous seasonal offerings, but I did get some Christmas money and I splurged on a few fragrances I have been keeping an eye on.

Today, the perfume I'm focusing on is Virtues, from the Yule 2010 collection. The Possets description is: "Virtues are the force of making things happen. They are placed under the dominions to carry out the plans authority makes for mankind. A dashing fragrance with a decided masculine side to it, but perfectly at home on a lady who knows her mind and will not be cowed. A special chypre containing a very light oakmoss (blond oakmoss), is blended with frankincense and a very faint clove hint, small zest of lemon to keep it from being too heavy. Ethereal and stately."

This one has been on my list since I first realized that any chypre Fabienne made should be something I own. I finally grabbed it during this retour, and (spoiler) tried it on when my mom was here. She liked it so much, I'll feel guilty if I don't give it to her for Christmas.

In the bottle: The chypre is clear, and I also get an ink on paper note. If I hadn't known lemon was in this, I wouldn't be able to pick it out at first sniff, but as I inhale deeply, I get the faint edge of a very dry lemon note (no juice or pith, just wrung out bleached in the sun lemon that makes this feel a bit austere, but also plays very well against the chypre).

On my skin: Mmmm. That oakmoss is glorious. Truly glorious. And there's the lemon (a bit juicier now) to float to the top. This creates a smidge of pencil shaving note on my skin (but not woody, if that makes any sense). In the interest of full disclosure, I am trying this on two locations, and my right wrist brings up a softer lemon with a touch of vanilla that plays and pairs amaaaaazingly with the oakmoss.

As it dries: On my left arm, it's very dry even though that oakmoss dominates. It's almost a little plastic-y (a surprise), but I can tell it's shifting to where it really wants to go. It also reminds me of Old School French Perfume here, with a dash of hmmmmm Avon from the 70's thrown in, maybe? Odd combo in words, but it's nostaligc and warm and classic, but also a little impish. On my right arm, the lemon really blooms and gets more pithy and juicy, almost overwhelming the oakmoss until it dries further. The way it smells on my right arm is how it smelled on my mom, and it's bright and happy but also soothing and amazing the way oakmoss can be.

I really don't get much clove from this, except as a back end (faint faint) supporting role. The frankincense is also low key, but helps to give lift to the oakmoss. The lemon and oakmoss dance around each other beautifully on my right arm, the lemon giving lift and zest and the oakmoss making a warm cozy bed. My left arm would probably be described by some as "old ladyish" but I tend to think of it as more classic in vibe. This would be wearable in almost any situation (except where people complain about perfumes). It's golden and warm and cool and serene all at the same time. In short, it's a chypre worth wearing and adding to your collection if you like chypres. I'm glad I got the bottle and in many ways I'm delighted that it's the one my mom gravitated toward because when I think of Virtues she is definitely on the top of the list. 

Too Much Honesty

Several conversations have been swirling through my social media feed this weekend. One involves the state of women in ministry (some people are for it, some people against it, and some wonder why this is still an issue today). Several other conversations involve victim blaming in regard to how women dress when raped tied in with that same verbiage relating to children who are molested ("If she didn't dress like a slut, she wouldn't have this happen to her.")

I briefly engaged in the first one, engaged heavily in the third one, and dabbled in the second. The first one involved a Twitter feed ( #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear ), and the replies there were often poignant, engaging, and painful. The third involved me opening up about my own abuse, and how that affected me.

As always, these conversations make me raw. Really raw. I try to balance between understanding those who do not "get" what I'm saying, and being real, but I often end up feeling like I continue to speak to winds that blow past me on their way to other more important things.

And, I have been through enough counseling to know that just because I am past some of these wounds, I am always going to have to measure my own reactions and be mindful of where I am emotionally.

But there are days, like today, when I flail. Where I feel like everything I have processed and worked through and talked over are nothing but repeating spirals. Where counseling and "working stages/steps" becomes nothing but noise. Where all I can do is sit and cry.

Cry because I feel ineffective and weak. Because I feel unheard. Because I feel valueless, broken, and irrelevant.

Today, I did something I know I shouldn't have. I went to a bakery and got non gluten free doughnuts and ate them.

I cried doing so.

Then I confessed to a friend what I had done.

She asked me to not self harm. I acknowledge that eating gluten is akin to cutting for someone like me. But, as I told her, "I can't control how others hurt me, but I can control how I hurt myself." And, yes, I do realize how messed up that is.

Eating gluten is my own act of rage.

I started feeling the results pretty quickly. Along with the nausea and need to vomit came the swirls of regret and sorrow and helplessness.

The irony is that I felt helpless so I did something that felt powerful but put me in an even more helpless situation.

This is what a woman living in rape culture does when she feels she has no place to turn.

No excuse, mind you.

But it is the same as putting a razor to my skin. No amount of prayer can change that driving need to control something when the reminders are so fierce that I have no control.

Because I am not beautiful enough, but something made someone want to take something I didn't offer. Because I am not strong like a man, even though I've been told by others I'm so strong. Because I was too sheltered in some ways, and not sheltered enough in others. Because, as one woman who transitioned to a man put it, "When I became a man, I was no longer afraid," and I am deeply aware that I am not a man.

Not surprisingly, during all of this, my mind turns to fragrance. In my upbringing, there were sermons on how brokenness is a sweet perfume to God, how ingredients used for the temple oil included being crushed. Stories of how Christ was broken for us (broken and spilled out, like perfume) are paralleled with how we will be broken and spilled. It is pain. It is blessing. It is even fetishized.

There are times I do wonder what sorrow smells like to others.

I know the first time I was almost kidnapped, fear smelled like candy, wet cement, and copper.

The second time, I remember smelling the leather of my shoes, the flowers blooming in the hedge I ran past. The smell of the house I was welcomed in to. Safety.

When I was molested by my step father, I smelled dust and sweat. Cotton sheets. Meat in the oven. Onions. The faint trace of something rotting. Fecal matter. Sometimes, when I dream and hear a child crying, I smell roaches.

There are more smells. More memories.

Perhaps this is why I surround myself with too much perfume. I cannot control the smells that happened to me, but I can control what is around me right now. If I want to smell jasmine, I can. If I want to remember safety, I close my eyes and smell grass, the scent of raspberry bushes. Blueberries warm on the tongue and how that tart sweetness blooms in the sinuses when you breathe in and out while chewing.

Today, I have no answers. I am exhausted from being up a lot of the night and staring at the dark ceiling. Again feeling like I am a foreigner trying to reach a culture and a people who simple cannot understand me. I do know that some care, and some try to translate, but we still speak very different languages.

I know there are those who deny that rape culture exists, and that is within a secular setting. For someone like me who was raised in the church, with the idea of women being in submission, how our sexuality is equated to purity, how we become damaged so easily, and as someone who watched multiple men in authority abuse their positions and children and women around them, I acknowledge an issue much deeper than rape culture that shares similar roots.

But, as the saying goes, there are none so blind as those who refuse to see. I know many ministers who insist there is no problem. Men who claim to love women in their lives, but see abuse as Latin: it's out there, others use it, but it doesn't affect them in their day to day.

Where do I go from here? I will do the same thing I do every day, Pinky (after I throw up and regret the terrible decision to add gluten to my intestines). I will go forward one more step. Put on some perfume (perhaps one of my "comfort" standbys), and pray that some day women won't have to fear being told we are "beating up" men by using our voice to be too honest, one more time.

Loss and Discovery: perfume and music

Braining is hard work. Braining while feeling like you have no brain is sometimes almost impossible. Since last year, I have had a lot of blocks that I don't always feel capable of climbing past (not necessarily related to loss or grief, but sometimes it is).

Writing, something I have always done whether it was for pleasure or more serious, has felt alien--not just difficult, but outside of who I am. This was going to be the year that I submitted this and that, where I would be faithful to reviewing perfumes, where I would _________. The inability to do so (as always) has led to lack of creativity, which then has led to more inability, and that leads to existential crises.

So what does one do when setting alarms and timers and reminders and scolding oneself into paralysis doesn't work? One waits.

And waits. (And wonders if padded living quarters should at least be considered.)

I've been here before. Usually related to crisis of health, and sometimes a crisis of soul. I know this waiting. I hate it. I have read the books that say "Just do things anyway." I've tried. I tried again this time. But this wait was somehow different. My mind was not just waiting, it was quiet. Too quiet. I usually have what felt like 500 fluorescent lights buzzing up there all of the time. Then there was silence.

Then fear. "What if I never write again?" "What if I can't find words?" "What if I'm broken?"

I can force discipline (in limited stages), but I cannot force creativity. So all I could do is wait.

I read books on leadership. I read books on not being angry. I read books on hope. Books on vampires. Books on writing and blessings, and detectives, and how others got past their blocks. Nothing seemed to "spark" me, make that inside voice come alive.

One thing I have been doing is continuing my path of cleaning up my world. It may seem small, but I am working hard to surround myself with what gives me joy. I think that's where some of the silence has come from: how can you choose what gives joy when you realize you are in a rut? What do you discard? What do you keep? What do you look for?

As I looked at my seriously insane pile of perfume that needs to be reviewed (and re-reviewed so I can keep what I truly want and find new homes for the rest), I realized that I could at least do that. And then as I thought about reviewing perfume, I remembered that I had also been wanting to explore new music. So, last week I asked Facebook folks what music they liked, and I added all of their answers to my Spotify lists. The lists are long. A little intimidating. But I am more excited than I expected to be to have this path to explore.

This week, as I looked at my perfume pile again, I thought: why not combine the two?

This morning, I randomly picked a new artist to try (Blind Pilot, We Are the Tide album) and without looking grabbed a bottle from the perfume pile (Daring, by Possets), There it was. That comedic, brilliant, laugh-at-life moment. I often feel like a blind pilot as I navigate this life--sometimes not even knowing if I'm going up or seconds away from another crunch and crash of impact. The moments of loss, of momentary destruction are brutal. I tend to focus on those. What changed my life the way I didn't want. What I don't have. The people I miss who have died or gone away. Loss of health. But then, there's Daring to balance it out. What is life without some boldness? Some "I will go forward anyway!" Determination to seek altitude. We gain nothing by refusing to fly.

One of my favorite poems when I was young (and still remains dear) is High Flight by John Magee. Today, when I read the poem again, I was reminded that silence doesn't have to be dark. When we fling ourselves out into the unknown, sometimes what we find is what we've been looking for for too long among the known.

So, today, as Blind Pilot gives me their smooth Indie folk sound (reminds me, so far, of a little of what I like of Band of Horses and The Head and The Heart), I will review Daring and once again be amused at how life sometimes ties words and things and experiences together.

Daring was released in the Valentine's 2014 collection. Description: "A daring idea to pair jasmine and patchouli in the right balance so each bolsters the other and no one dominates, yet the two elements are in such a surprisingly perfect harmony that you wonder why this hasn't been done many times before. There is a tremendously woody aspect to this one, but that is more due to the ingredients being blended in the correct proportions. Somehow this one comes off like a woman with a formidable intellect."

At first sniff, in the bottle Daring comes across as almost medicinal. The patchouli is striking, making me think of vetiver in how bracing it is. Immediately under that I get a sense of more vetiver mixed with a brown sugar note (without the sweetness), a soft almost powdery floral, and a rough silk edge that verges on wood.

On my skin: this patchouli is not a headshop hippy one at all. It's more grassy, with a faint hint of pencil shavings. It immediately opens up into floral essence, roughed up and gritted over somewhat by the patchouli. This one is perfume with a P. It feels like a cool beauty wearing a little black dress, giving you an assessing look--wondering if you'll measure up to her standards. Which could be intimidating, but then you realize the little black dress is paired with Converse.

As this dries, it retains a classic edge and vibe, but continues to be a bit fun (and a touch flirty) underneath. I still get a sense of pencil shavings, mixed with perhaps some fizzy ginger ale. It's soft, but bracing. This would pair well with an Important Event (with a light hand, as this could go into Invasion of Personal Space territory if applied too liberally), but also would be equally at home with a t-shirt and errands.

I don't get a lot of jasmine out of this one, but there is a very lovely soft white floral note that winds through this one and plays with that woody/grassy perfume vibe of the patchouli (that seems to want to pretend to be vetiver today). This is utterly classic. Cool. Aloof. Polished and pampered. But it also has softness, warmth, charm, and a touch of fizz.

Edited to add that as the hours went by, this one became more soft dark cola mixed with wood floor (old, but carefully maintained), with that flower note weaving through. This is sweet without any sugar. Almost having some of that black musk vibe that is so lovely in Possets in that it can be warm, sweet, but not cloying, but this isn't black musk at all--if anything brown and gold and still retaining the hardness of hard wood.

The waft of this seems to pick up more of the wood, and at times comes across a little wood pulp-ish, but for the most part really remains what feels like an utterly classic perfume. I would wear this to France and walk into a shop or wear it out in the evening for social occasion, mixing it up between the two (casual and formal) without a qualm.

This one is definitely one of my keepers, probably more so for special occasions, when I want to feel decadent.

My previous review of Daring on the Possets forum says this (I didn't look at it until I finished this test): "This would be great for a dressy occasion. It has that classy classic opulent vibe. But, but, oh BUT! it would also be great for everyday wear, where you just want to feel like strolling out in something lovely because it's what you have and what you can do." It also worked well on my mother. We have very different tastes and skin, so it's fun to find one that we both like a lot.

Paired with Blind Pilots, Daring places me right on the edge of a big adventure, but is equally happy being at home thinking about the to-do list for the day.

Life is full of loss. Of silence. Of taking blind curves, and feeling our way through the dark with our hands outstretched in front of our faces. But, life is still to be lived. It is up to us to make the choice--to dare--to do so. I hope when you start your own flight check, that you smell as wonderful as Daring insists you can be. And that you fly past what your limitations have set for you. I wish that for us all.